Spoiler Alert: A Man with a Whip and a Mission

Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark

Rank: 66

Year: 1981

Director: Steven Spielberg

Cast: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, John Rhys-Davies, Paul Freeman

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What started as Ross Geller’s wet dream ended up as Tim Burton’s take on Ghostbusters in this professor-by-day, archaeologist-by-night adventure to find the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis.

I must admit, this is not my first time viewing Raiders of the Lost Ark. I was begrudgingly forced to watch it and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom at 15 years old in order to accompany my dad to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well, you see, we never got to it, because my dad bypassed the whole situation and took my brother to see Indy’s fourth adventure. Did I want to see any of them? Absolutely not, but it was a matter of principle!

While I did enjoy it more this time, let’s just say, my retention of this film has not been great over the last 11 years.

Don’t come here with Schindler’s List expectations of Steven Spielberg who directed this story in part created by George Lucas. Rather than a somber, realistic look at Nazi Germany, we see a pre-World War II Nazi party looking for the Ark of the Covenant in order to guarantee their army’s invincibility. Along the way, we see violence, adventure, romance, snakes and the supernatural.

If you are a rogue reader of this blog, unaware of this movie, the Ark of the Covenant is a golden chest believed to have held the stone tablets of the ten commandments. (Insert reference to Mel Brooks as Moses carrying the 15, er, I mean 10 commandments in A History of the World: Part 1)

"It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."

-Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark

When we first find Professor Jones, he is joined by a young Alfred Molina (Who know?!) in what is inarguably one of the most iconic scenes in all of film history. As they entered the cave, I found myself longing to watch Legends of the Hidden Temple. As he outpaced the rolling stone ball, I found myself wondering how those kids were so awful at putting together the three pieces of the silver monkey. Nonetheless, Molina turns out to be a backstabber taken down by karma, with a dead body dummy that quite frankly doesn’t look like him.

I start to wonder if before Indiana Jones’ epic adventure, was his aesthetic, throwing sand in someone’s eyes and using the bag of sand to prevent a pressure trigger from going off clichés of the genre? If not, it spun a costume for cocky and nerdy men alike and spoofs to last for decades.

As he narrowly escapes with his life, he confronted by his rival, René Belloq who steals his golden idol. Running for safety, he jumps into a plane that lands on water. Please note, dear readers, that I have not entered into a full monologue of Sweet Home Alabama quotes instigated by instant mental images of Nathan Lee Graham asking “Do we know Mo?”

Back to his day job of university professor, we discover that women of the 1930s are not subtle in their swooning of suave older men and are willing to mark their eyelids with “LOVE YOU.” If I was a legal expert, I would suggest he look into mass restraining orders.

Soon approached by military officials, he embarks on the grand adventure at the heart of this, again opposed by Belloq serving the Nazis. He traveled to Nepal to find his old love interest, Marion Ravenwood, who holds the headpiece of “the Staff of Ra” needed to pinpoint the location of the Ark. After attacking Marion, Nazi commander Arnold Toht escapes with an imprint of the headpiece seared into his hand.

Toht is as close as any person I’ve ever seen to the human embodiment of the evil scientist in The Nightmare Before Christmas.

In Egypt, Indy and Marion meet up with Sallah, Chris Pine’s devious uncle from Princess Diaries 2, an expert digger. They are accompanied by a twin of Abu.

“I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go.”

- Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana and Marion venture into town. We see a John Wayne-esque move of throwing her into the hay. She also grabs a frying pan as a weapon, possible inspiration for what was to come in Tangled.

While in town, Marion gets carried off in a basket, which we are then led to believe is put on a truck that explodes. While fighting to get to her, Indy gets caught in a crowd ready for a sword fight. As his opponent prepares for a duel, Indiana whips out a gun and shoots him. A move reportedly motivated by Ford having dysentery.

It turns out a sad Indy is a drunk Indy. He gets caught up with Belloq and we find out that Sallah apparently doesn’t care about his kids as he sends them in to serve as a human shield for Indiana.

Once reunited with Sallah, and aided by a translator, they find out the headpiece replica the Nazis are using is incomplete since it doesn't have the flipside leading them to look in the wrong place.

Excited by the news, Indiana prepares to eat a date*, only to stop in the nick of time after seeing Abu dead from the dates and laid out in a very noir fashion.

With the staff in hand, he looks at a miniature town to pinpoint the location of the Well of Souls, home to the Ark. I spy with my little eye a miniature Washington monument among the tiny town used as a map. While headed to the Well of Souls, he comes across a living Marion (*shocker*), but leaves her there to not draw added attention. Clearly a move she much appreciated.

It turns out the Well of Souls is lined with snakes, proving Hell is real. Luckily for Indy and Marion, he gets found out and they get trapped. (If sarcasm isn’t your strong suit, please seek other blogs to meet your old movie spoiler needs). A few misadventures and a hug with a mummy later, they escape only for Marion to burn her feet on the sand, I am sure. They destroy a plane and behead a Nazi with a propeller. In true heroic fashion, they get ahold of the Ark and get it on a ship bound for London.

It is here I will point out this movie has some quality cinematography, with one scene that I particularly liked featuring Indy, Marion and Sallah completely shadowed with a background full of visible details.

"Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?"

- Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark

What other option did they have, but to hook up. He dazzles her despite a recent gunshot wound, likely because he has magic hair that withstands the stress of a hat.

Again, luckily, they get found out with the Nazis taking the Ark and kidnapping Marion to take aboard their U-boat. Indy soon chases after, but unable to turn the tides, he joins Marion tied up on an island.

Belloq comes out dressed in a costume and ready to perform a ceremony. When they open the Ark, you will be reaching for your proton pack as evil ghosts escape. Soon, a fire ball connects the Nazis, as we see heads exploding and melting. This shocking scene with special effects that date the film, as does the stellar green-screen thunder effects, feels ripped out of an early-Burton** film rather than a beloved piece of the Spielberg catalog.

Indy and Marion keep their eyes shut, only to open them free of the Nazis with a sealed Ark.

As he hands it over, we see the Ark added into a room of crates, just a box of magic among treasures or junks from around the world.

Before I leave you, I would like to present some superlatives:

Here’s to Toht, the character with the oddest balding pattern.

Here’s to Marion, the character with the iron liver, able to drink any man under the table.

Here’s to Indy, the character with the best mastery of a whip, putting even Christian Grey to shame.

Here’s to Sallah, the character played by an actor whose future career choices will make it hard to trust him.

Here’s to Abu, the cutest monkey who seemingly played both sides only to die by dates poisoned by his presumed owner.

Here’s to Belloq, the character who comes off as the all-around biggest douche.

Here’s to the composer, the creator of theme music rarely rivaled.

And finally, here’s to me, the blogger with the most opinions to share.

*When I hear dates, I instantly think of Amelia Bedelia making a date cake with calendar clippings baked in. Personally my favorite flavor, I find it tasty with a glass of dessert wine.

**Please don't read this as a diss against Tim Burton, who all who know me can attest is one of my absolute favorite directors and one of the largest contributors to my movie collection.