Spoiler Alert: It's more like S*M*A*S*H!

Movie: M*A*S*H

Rank: 54

Year: 1970

Director: Robert Altman

Cast: Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman

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If this is your first time visiting my New Year’s Resolution-turned-blog, welcome to my personal attempt at public shaming. Who is being publicly shamed? Unfortunately, at this point, it is me and the clear lack of time management that has gone into this endeavor.

Nonetheless, we press on and refuse to admit defeat!

As a recovering (and at times still ailing) nerd, I know what I must do. It is time to channel my inner IB kid* of yesteryear. Buckle up, this ride is about to go full throttle and if I am behind the wheel, the road is sure to be bumpy. (Breakdown of a joke: a person or twenty may have mentioned over the years I lack the skills to be viewed as a proficient driver. The real joke is on them, however, as this girl is licensed and on a road near you!)

If you look out your window (please appreciate the attempt to further the conceit), you will see tonight’s viewing is of the 1970 film, M*A*S*H based on Richard Hooker’s book of the same name and which spawned the television series a couple of years later.

This movie depicts the happenings of a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M*A*S*H) during the Korean War. Rather than following a classic three act structure, with an exposition, climax and resolution, the plot is more episodic in nature. There is the inciting incident of the central figures coming together at the field hospital and conclusion of Hawkeye and Duke being discharged. Everything in-between comes and goes without much impact on the next snippet of life events. It should not be shocking there was success when transitioning it to the small screen.

“I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be – I was going to be faithful to my husband.” – Lt. Maria “Dish” Schneider, M*A*S*H

“Those are the vows you make when you’re with somebody.” – Capt. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce, Jr., M*A*S*H

While I have seen some of the Alan Alda-led series, without much recollection of the characters or plot, I approached this movie with virgin eyes. As it is October, I will be sure to stay away from any black candles. (Breakdown of a joke: In the Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus, a virgin lights the black candle that brings the Sanderson sisters back to life and almost leads to the death of all the town’s children. As I referenced, having never seen the movie previously, my viewing eyes are as inexperienced as a virgin. Therefore, should I light a black candle, Bette Midler could rise from the dead singing about the spell she’ll put on you.)

Quite frankly, it never occurred to me that anyone other than Alda could serve as the film’s protagonist, Hawkeye, let alone Donald Sutherland. The true shock came as we rounded out this trio of doctors: a rebellious, mustache-clad Jack Geller** as Trapper and Tom Skerrit, who was apparently at one time young, playing Duke.

Together, these three drafted men served as the core friend group of the medical staff, with Trapper and Hawkeye especially in sync during their antics.

There were two people particularly opposed to these said antics: the extremely religious Major Frank Burns and the rule-following Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan. During some pre-coitus revving of their engines (here’s looking at you reappearing automobile imagery), which was being unknowingly blasted over the loud speaker, Houlihan asks Burns to kiss her “hot lips.” Unfortunately for her, this military unit is prone to nicknames.

It is also revealed that the pious Burns, as he is about to sleep with Hot Lips, is a married man. Taking the same stance as many others, the extramarital affairs among the hospital personnel are common place. Hawkeye notes vows count when you’re with somebody. A warzone seems to fall squarely in the without territory. Rather than dedicated husbands and wives, the tents see as much action as college dorm rooms. Just to drive home my attempt at humor in this post's title: M*A*S*H? With all this ass, it’s more like S*M*A*S*H!

“This isn’t a hospital! It’s an insane asylum!”

- Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan, M*A*S*H

Is it here where I say that which must not be said?

I didn’t find this very funny, at least not laugh-out-loud funny. There was a comedy of occurrences given the warzone setting. But jokes to make me crack up? Sorry, I just didn’t. Maybe if I watched it with someone else or at least a glass of wine, I would feel differently.

Could it be the 2019 viewpoint? While I think I am pretty good at taking the context of the year into account, I must say these men would not hold up to the “woke” standards of our time. Their misogynistic habits, in part, also likely the point. However, few can condone their elaborate attempt at exposing Hot Lips’ naked body to a waiting audience. Some merit must be given for the extensive work needed to make it come to fruition. If only their powers could be used for good, not evil.

Like a horny crew of teens, sex is essential to their life. When the well-endowed dentist is faced with a soldier unwilling to march into battle, he becomes convinced he is dealing with “latent homosexuality.” This leads him to proclaim life is not worth living and enlists the help of the Hawkeye crew to end things. Agreeing to provide a black pill (if only it were blue, his issues would have been instantly resolved), they host a re-staging of the Last Supper before he lays down in a make-shift coffin while “Suicide is Painless” is sung. Lt. Maria “Dish” Schneider is persuaded to help “revive” his lifeless body before heading back stateside and given the grins they both wear the next day, his solider is now outfitted for war.

The lyrics of his deathbed soundtrack, “Suicide is Painless,” was written by director Robert Altman’s teenage son Michael after Altman discovered he was too mature to write such a dumb song himself. Given only the title to work off, the elder Altman enjoyed his son’s song enough to use it in the opening credits and it was used again throughout the series. The younger Altman is said to have out-earned his father’s income from the movie over the years, thanks to the success of the song.

Should it need to be explicitly stated, the ability to get it up does not have any impact on sexual orientation, nor should being gay lead anyone to end their life. Suicide is not painless.

During another “episode” of this film, Hawkeye and Trapper travel to Japan to operate on a Congressman’s son. While there, they perform a non-sanctioned surgery on an infant. To get out of the trouble they face, they blackmail the commander with staged photos with prostitutes. Again, these two remain class acts (sincerely about the surgery on the infant and sarcastically given their blackmailing efforts).

There was a whole bit about football. As someone who is an avid non-watcher of the sport, this section was of little interest to me, which was only amplified by how many minutes this occupied of the overall film.

“Attention. Tonight’s movie has been M*A*S*H. Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines, operating as bombs and bullets burst around them; snatching laughs and love between amputations and penicillin.”

- P.A. Announcer, M*A*S*H

Perhaps my favorite touch, the credits of this movie are announced over the loud speakers as the base’s movies of the week have been throughout the film.

*IB kid: noun; an International Baccalaureate high school student running off three hours of sleep with the life motto of “it has to be done on time, it doesn’t have to be good.” Often sighted on the verge of an emotional breakdown or doing homework in the library during lunch.

**Jack Geller: noun; the television character played by Elliot Gould in the most important show of all time, F·R·I·E·N·D·S, as the father to Ross and Monica Geller. Notable features inappropriate sexual jokes, drinking condensed milk from the can and an attachment to a Porsche.