Spoiler Alert: No Horses Were Harmed in the Making of The Italian Stallion

Movie: Rocky

Rank: 57

Year: 1976

Director: John G. Avildsen

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Carl Weathers

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Over the years, I have become familiar with the story of Rocky, much more than that of Rocky. Almost fable-like, my dad has regularly recounted how Sylvester Stallone wrote the screenplay and refused to have the film made without being cast as the lead despite being down on his luck.

My memories of Rocky, however, came more as flashes. A flash of him screaming “Adriannnnnn!” A flash of him running up the stairs. A flash of Apollo Creed. Not contained in these flashes were real story arcs or character development, and with that, I was expecting more of a caricature.

It has not escaped me that Rocky is beloved and I knew it being on the list, someone has deemed it culturally significant and critically worthwhile. Though, my perception of Sly was more of a stereotypical action hero not noted for his acting abilities. Some of this shifted as I was fully in the camp expecting him to win an Oscar for Creed.

Nonetheless, I embarked on watching Rocky without much enthusiasm only to be pleasantly surprised. In place of the sports film it wears as a mask, I found a romantic comedy cast against a backdrop of a Cinderella story.

"Look. It's the name man...The Italian Stallion. The media will eat it up. Now, who discovered America? An Italian, right. What would be better than to get it on with one of its descendents?"

- Apollo, Rocky

As anyone who knows me can attest, I will until my dying day fight for the importance of theme music. Rocky in particular has a rather iconic instrumentation that rivals the likes of Wonder Woman. It, quite frankly, gets you hype.

It becomes clear rather early on that Rocky isn’t your stereotypical boxer hell-bent on success or fame. He acts as a rather merciful collector for a loan shark. He has pet turtles he refers to as his “exotic animals.” He practices cheesy jokes every day to try to get the nerdy pet store girl to laugh. He stops on his way home to play with puppies in the window. He prefaces using “whore,” by calling it a bad word. He has no grasp of a public persona. He incessantly talks, as if allergic to silence. I may know something about that. He even deems himself the “Italian Stallion.”

As Rocky pursues Adrian, that same nerdy pet store girl, he leans on her brother, Paulie, for assistance. It turns out she lives with him, as an adult, which just seems slightly odd. If I lived with my brother, Nick, it would surely end in headlines, “Adult siblings kill each other, reportedly over control of the remote and one’s own sense of sanity.” Her brother is a true to form douchebag, and also for sure an alcoholic, making fun of being single at her age while looking one step removed from living on the street.

Nonetheless, Paulie sets her up on a date for Thanksgiving. You read that right, Thanksgiving. To Rocky, just another Thursday, but to literally everyone else, it is Thanksgiving. Hard pass. No go. Would not partake. It does work out for him; they go skating and end up visiting his apartment.

“Why do you wanna fight?” – Adrian, Rocky

“Because I can’t sing or dance.” – Rocky, Rocky

In a state of self-disclosure, I must admit I am not known for being tidy. Rather, the opposite. And while I have given up trying for close friends and family, I literally cannot imagine the rationale that would go into inviting the person I have been pining after for many months into my home which has literal beer bottles flipped upside down and wedged between the cushions. A nice aphrodisiac, certainly, is warning your desired beloved they are standing near big bugs.

A foil for this rough and tumbling man of the people in Philadelphia is Apollo Creed. A man as refined as Rocky is not and often donning a suit, he is fixated on the show rather than the boxing despite his brother warning him to pay attention.

Real talk, though, Apollo Creed is played by the same actor who portrayed the one-handed golfer in Happy Gilmore after being attacked by an alligator. In the spin-off series, Creed, he is even blessed by having the fine-ass Michael B. Jordan play his son.*

After being forced to find a new partner for the championship match, Apollo picks Rocky out of a booklet and catapults him to notoriety. The coach at his gym, who has removed his locker privileges, now wants to serve as his coach. He is also making the news for working out in meat factory. They should create a new slogan for the factory: Is your meat tender? Pro-pounded by the Italian Stallion!

It does appear he is training in Chucks, which is an odd foot choice. Albeit, I am clearly not a runner, so you do you.

During the training montage, I did notice the people in the farmer’s market appeared to be staring. While I thought it may have been tied to Rocky’s newfound fame, upon my Googling, I read it was a result of the guerilla shooting style they employed since their budget was so small.

The guerilla style, though born of necessity, worked with the overall feel of the environment, the type of story and the style of a training montage. I particularly appreciated the shot of him running solo against the backdrop of the dock and ship. Arguably, it is still one of the most famous training montages in film history. You can’t “Rocky the stairs” without a Rocky who himself rockied the stairs.

"He doesn't know it's a damn show! He thinks it's a damn fight!"

- Apollo's Trainer, Rocky

Rocky and Adrian continue to get closer, which oddly agitates her brother who is looking for a cut of the boxing action. He asks if they’re screwing, says he didn’t raise her like that. I really can’t grasp their dynamic, but certainly cheered when she retorted his meltdown. Calling him a pig, however, seems mean to the pigs of the world.

Her now shamed and deflowered (read: sarcasm) self must move in with Rocky, who won’t have sex leading up to a match. This was mentioned in Raging Bull, too. Is this a sports superstition or a particular belief held by boxers? I thought all Olympians were banging it out in the Olympic Village.

At the actual fight, Apollo comes out in a truly outlandish fashion, notably funny since I watched the newly released third season of Glow the same weekend as Rocky. He came out acting as George Washington in a recreation of the famous painting crossing the river. He donned flag boxers, while Rocky wore simple red and white ones, all the more to show his blood my dear. His robe donned a random company to earn Paulie sponsorship points. Paulie, in turn, rolled up dressed as a pimp. I do appreciate the pink sweaters donned by the rest of Rocky’s team.

As they start going, Creed is knocked down for the first time ever and it becomes clear to him this is a real show with a real boxer.

While it seemed uncertain who won, with a split decision, it was very obvious neither wanted a rematch. Though, I guess Creed is the winner. In true rom-com fashion, Rocky is the real winner as he swoons Adrian and did what he set out to do, fight.

I find it likely I have watched this film before, but this was a truly pleasant surprise with new moments to latch onto. I think this movie's adoration rests in the fear of men to admit watching "chick movies," so they created their own acceptable one. Sly, Mr. Italian Stallion, does have talent and this fable like rise to fame maintains its idyllic quality.

* If I leave you with anything, please know, Michael B. Jordan’s father is Michael A. Jordan. Can’t you see it? A son one day to be named Michael C. Jordan. What a time to be alive and what an actor to adore!