Spoiler Alert: No royals were harmed in the making of this movie.

Movie: The African Queen

Rank: 65

Year: 1951

Director: John Huston

Cast: Katharine Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart

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At an inappropriately late hour for a work night, I decided it was prime time to re-watch The Sound of Music. And then, as if struck by the Greek muse of cinema, I realized I should check the run time before committing. Luckily, by the divinity of IMDb, I came to realize Julie Andrews sings her way into our and the Von Trapp family’s hearts for a total of two hours and 52 minutes.

Scrambling to find something more within my time frame, it became evident AFI must take absurd film lengths into consideration. Amongst the many approximately three hour films, I found a movie gracing my screen for a total of one hour and 45 minutes.

What lucky film was chosen for my late-night viewing pleasure? The African Queen. What is it about? Quite frankly, I had no idea.

The only thing I knew for certain, thanks to the movie poster, was Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart had starring roles.

I find it hard to hear the name “Katharine Hepburn” without thinking of Love on the Air, the Hallmark masterpiece about quarreling radio personalities who are forced to be cohosts and end up [SPOILER ALERT] falling in love. This movie, essentially The Ugly Truthfor Hallmark, features Alison Sweeney and Jonathan Scarfe with atypically high production value, a well-developed love story and some of the best acting to grace that sugary channel I love so much. Quite simply, the best of Hallmark, though inexplicably unable to be purchased on streaming services or on DVD. All this is to say, one of bonding elements of their love story is their mutual admiration for Hepburn.

Luckily after watching Sweeney on Days of our Lives, Friends (If you know, you know), Biggest Loserand a myriad of Hallmark movies, I have come to trust even her fake opinions.

"I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating!"

- Rose Sayer, The African Queen

With that, let us finally set sail on the African Queen in 1914. This small boat was captained by the Canadian Charlie Allnutt, bringing mail and supplies to the British siblings serving as missionaries in Africa over the last decade. As he delivers supplies and serves awkward moments of the most intense stomach growls featured on the big screen, he also warns of incoming German troops at World War I breaks out.

Historically, Germany has a colorful history lined with some of the greatest atrocities known to man. Cinematically, they are the go-to bad guys of yester year. This story is no different, though maybe a tad earlier than the many World War II stories in which they are often featured.

Timing almost too perfect to maintain my suspension of disbelief*, the German troops arrive almost instantly after Allnutt leaves. The British missionaries, Reverend Samuel and Rose Sayer, and their village are attacked. Huts are lit on fire and the reverend is hit in the face. In a somewhat unclear timeline of attack to feverish, delusional death, the reverend dies the morning of Allnutt’s next arrival. No other inhabitants of the village remain, so he helps bury the dead missionary and invites his sister to set sail with him.

Once away from her former life, which featured a brother who clearly saw himself as the decision maker, she starts musing about their options. On the boat, she thinks about the supplies and Allnutt’s skillset. Her idea: bomb the Louisa, a ship in a lake down the river which is preventing any British attacks. There is some back and forth early in the journey, but eventually he submits to her plan. It is right about now a Viking Cruise ship built for traveling through rivers, at least according to PBS, would be nice.

For every bit of unkempt, drunkenness from Allnutt, we are graced with the overt propriety of Sayer. He’s wearing long johns, a shirt and pants. She is wearing enough layers to use in the creation of a large tent able to cover the world. He’s a fan of gin, while she finds it abhorrent and prefers the delicacy of tea. To be fair, gin is ass. However, despite her tidiness and strict adherence to the societal standards of her beloved England, the elements have certainly had an impact. Her dress has a small tear near her feet as she plays the piano during the film’s first scene. She only wears one outfit, to different degrees of coverage, once on water.

Life on the boat has some great equalizers. When bathing, if that’s what you can call it seeing as they were wearing their early 1900’s undergarments, she struggles to get in the boat and requires Allnutt’s help as he closes his eyes. I guess she isn’t looking to be the next winner of the likely-unsafe-wooden-boat-wet-T-shirt contest. Thanks to an intense rain shower, they must even share the same covered area of the boat.

"Oh, I'm not worried miss. Gave myself up for dead back where we started."

- Charlie Allnut, The African Queen

The real breakthrough happens as they face their first course of white rapids, a feeling she finds a little too exhilarating. I would suggest a drunken tryst to help loosen her up. He soon gets drunk, but instead calls her an “old maid.” Such an endearing move, so endearing she pours all his gin out over the boat’s side. To top it off, she adds in the silent treatment.

Soon, they find themselves floating by a German fortress and the subjects of incoming gun fire. Luckily surviving with their lives and a mostly intact ship, they then face far more intense white rapids. Lucky to be alive, he pulls her in for a kiss. Their next kiss must be the most awkward angle for a make-out scene I have ever watched. As they start going at it, she becomes obscured by his oddly placed body and we just see his filthy back. Swoon for the G-rated love fest?

After all of this occurs, and having known him as he dropped off supplies, she realizes she must ask his name. I mean, I know Facebook isn’t a thing, but when committing to live with only one other person on a sailing vessel bound for a naval assault, I think I would make sure I got a nickname at least.

She soon gets a nickname, being called “Old Girl” as if that is endearing. I should mention they are not the youngest, impressive especially for her given the time period it was filmed. She would have been 44 years old, and he 52, at the date of its release. He makes a comment, though maybe in a joking way, that they could tell this story to their grandkids.

I am certainly not here to judge any age of childbearing or individual family structure, but that’s a bold sentiment for a 1914 couple meeting later in life.

Soon they face broken blades they need to hand weld, lodged wrenches, overgrown weeds and being stuck in mud. It seems all hope is lost when it rains and they are carried out to the very same lake as the Louisa. Here he constructs his torpedo, but another storm hits and they capsize.

They are separated and the African Queen goes down.

We find a forlorn Allnutt on the Louisa, facing criminal action from the Germans when another boat carrying Sayer appears. When joined, they are sentenced to hanging despite a death-rope side seat to a proposal and wedding.

"By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William the Second I pronounce you man and wife - proceed with the execution."

- Captain of the Louisa, The African Queen

Either way, being the true Queen she is, the boat resurfaces upside down and runs against the Louisa sending its inhabitants jumping overboard. Swimming toward shore, the new Allnutts marvel at their success.

While I found this to be a compelling movie, I was a tad apprehensive entering an older film set in Africa with white leads. Overall, the story is fairly insular to their lives on the boat, but with some great shoreline shots of various animals. I did find it a little reductive to have the village’s inhabitants scramble for the cigarette he flicked.

Did I mention my life may be a lie? Allnutt says “Never say die” is his motto. Do Mikey, Chunk and the rest of the Goonies know they didn’t come up with this? Was it supposed to be an homage I never realized? Either way, as I run away from murderous restaurant owners while underground seeking pirate treasure to save my family home, I just won’t even know what proclamations to make for morale.

I don’t know where to say this, but I have only ever watched Bogart in Casablancaso it took a while to see him in a different light.

So let’s raise our glasses to a boss bitch who led a crazy, convoluted journey to the fulfillment.

*Suspension of Disbelief: the ability to lock down any preconceived notions in order to buy into the world created. A term we studied many times while I was a Film Studies minor (Does this read in the same way as when Dax Shepard mentions he has an anthropology degree on his podcast, Armchair Expert?).