Spoiler Alert: Her Stepmother is a Piece of Work

Movie: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Rank: 34

Year: 1937

Directors: David Hand, Wilfred Jackson, Perce Pearce, Ben Sharpsteen, William Cottrell, Larry Morey

Cast: Adriana Caselotti, Harry Stockwell, Lucille La Verne

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Once upon a time, in a land of magic and creature, there lived a squatter of royal blood. Bound by a homicidal stepmother, she twas forced to dress in rags and serve as a scullery maid.

Alas one day, her royal heinous dared look in a mirror and ask it for the fairest in the land. As ye has already assumed, I twas out of town in a land of yonder, for the answer came back, “Snow White.” Betwixst us, it must be said, Snow and I share a love of the headbands and bows.

For true beauty she twas without. A true queen of glamour looks in thy magic mirror and knows thou greatest face rests upon thy own body. Such a doubtful queen’s language of love must be words of affirmation. Is this the problem men perceive, vanity as the main concern of ladies young and olde?

“Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?”

– Queen, Snow White

Anyhoth, upon such news, the Evil Queen set forth her finest huntsman with one order: kill the princess in her fourteenth year.

He doth protest too much and sent her on her way, to a small cabin with small men she stayed. As she ran, she saw a darkened land so bleak it seems Buttercup and Westley’s Fire Swamp twere a land of her dreams. Or, so ye new-tongued may say, she may have went straight cray-cray.

Upon entering the house, she noted its tiny size and decided it shalt be home. As the men, seven dwarfs they be, arrived with haste from work, they found a sleeping princess spread across the sheets.

Now, ye see, the house twas exceptionally clean. Whilst it be said the work twas at Snow’s hand, truth be told the animals twere more efficient maids for these moody men. Snow may too be a master in her own, speaking with animals as a Dr. Dolittle would have done. And now, for her efforts, the watchers and readers have been blessed by a turtle whose personality outshone the rest.

Blink and ye could miss, a literally blushing bird.

I possess my own concerns of a bird in my home, for once I heard a beeping and twas concerned a bird be trapped. Alas, the battery died in my carbon monoxide detector.

As if of a scene from 7 Brides for 7 Brothers, for a meal they gathered round a table after a cleaning. The characters bond much like them, one lady and her seven men.

The men, named Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy and Doc, vowed protection of said maiden, despite some early protests. As Kindergarten Cop dost mention, beware of stranger danger. Despite these concerns, to the mines the dwarfs went with a whistle for the work and the axe for poor muted Dopey.

I say men, but it is unclear, for they look elderly and Dopey remains without a beard. And poor Sneezy, doth he have hay fever?

Alas, Snow White’s light be dim for she ate the apple of a hag on a whim. The hag, ye know, twas the queen and soon Snow twas deep in sleep. It must be noted, ye could say, some inconsistencies from Disney for the hag in Beauty and the Beast proved trust and kindness would save the day, but this hag is naught and leads only to prolonged slumber.

This hag, ye see, is as creepy as can be. Like a cannibal she must be, using mummy dust to slay. She, like others, doth used minions in twos. Just the same, as ye know, Ursula’s eels slithered in sync.

And can we say, the birds’ feet in pie will make any perception of edible go goodbye.

Rather than bury a princess as fair as she, the dwarfs decided they wilt encase her in a coffin of gold and glass. I must admit, the coffin is veritably swanky. And her death so sad, even the olde Grumpy cried. Shalt this ruby lipped maiden be awoken? A prince, so charming, traveled with haste from yonder to nigh and planted a kiss upon her lips so fine. Alas, she woke and ye now know, necrophilia is the true savior of Snow White.

“Lips red as the rose. Hair black as ebony. Skin white as snow.”

– Magic Mirror, Snow White

Huzzah, huzzah, she dost live on. To celebrate, Snow and her prince galloped off soon after to his castle in the clouds. Perhaps she unknowingly said yes to a god or his son, such as Hercules. As for the Queen? Well that remains unseen.

Snow, her legacy twas more than the film for she did spur the franchise for the ages. Now, we see, modern princesses who took shape with Cinderella to Moana with the likes of Pocahontas, Ariel, Aurora, Belle, Jasmine, Tiana, Rapunzel, Elsa and Anna betwist these films.

For the artistry be fine, the opening book saw the dwarfs carved nice. This hand drawn film the first of the kind, a style most lost in the modern time. Yet nothing will be as fine as the stop motion so divine.

So here I lay before ye these truths: Pinnochio did not invent Jiminy Cricket, for he twas mentioned in this film in exclamation. It’s “love’s first kiss” and not “true love’s kiss.” In a similar vein, ye see, the queen doth say “magic mirror,” not “mirror, mirror.” Art ye perplexed? For ye must see, the Mandela Effect be real for ye.

“A fine bunch of water lilies you turned out to be. I’d like to see anybody make me wash, if I didn’t want.”

– Grumpy, Snow White

For my final thoughts, I exclaim, this film showed ye the first beauty tutorial, capes should be more worn and this twas good, but not the best.

And dear reader, I bet thou thought this gimmick would end, for it twas too overfraught. But alas, do learn, I commit to the bit.

And as is said, Happily Ever After.

Post Script, I say, must be in thanks for the internet in aid to my Olde English efforts which assuredly went awry.